An Old Chapter

I've always lived my life judging myself through the filter of others, my brother before he passed, my parents, my grandmother, my sister, my most intimate friends. Never have I done so to evaluate my life from a more righteous manner than I did when wondering just what the fuck I've done with my life since my first girlfriend dumped me over the phone from the other side of the country. All those standards I've tried to live up to seem to vanish when I think of how I've lived my life in relation to what we had. In other words, it seems like I just wasted a shit amount of my short life.

I've never felt more elated contentment than those last two weeks at a boarding school summer session during which I learned just how heavenly it feels to hold something that makes you feel like you're the luckiest sob in the world. There was my first hand to hold, my first kiss, my first omg I think I'm in love I can't stop thinking about her jesus h. christ help me god. I've always been meaning to get a hold of her somehow but for some reason today thinking about what boarding schools to send my nonexistent children I googled her name. I had a few times before but found nothing. This time however, I found a picture. It was from a science department research website in 2002 and I knew right away it was her, and it took me there. It was like a blocked valve had opened in my heart and blood began rushing through all sorts of channels. It would have been too easy to find a number of email address. I'm not sure how far to pursue this, I don't want to use her as my last resort for a sense of humanness the further I plunge into adulthood, but I do, desperately, want to see her again.